Wouldst Thou Like One? Just a Little One?

Me: This is cracking me up. From last week's Top Chef recap: Ilan points imperiously at the pan in which Marcel's eggs are sitting, and he says, "You want to take those out so I can make myself an egg?" Any time someone starts with "you wanna" instead of "would you," you know that he's trying to start a fight. It's why you don't hear people saying, "Would you like to have a piece of me?"

Jake: Lol. How true.

Me: I'm going to start using that. Oh really, bitch? Would you like to have a piece of me?

Jake: If you've got a free moment, perhaps you would like to have a piece of me.

Me: I'm free around 3:00, if you'd like to go over to the hillside behind the middle school and have a piece of me.

Jake: I've booked us a table at Morimoto so that you might have a piece of me over fresh vegetable tempura.

Me: After the young gentleman poked his knife dangerously close to my ribcage, I politely inquired as to whether or not he would like to have a piece of me.

Jake: Prithee, wouldst thou liken to have a piece of me before or anon breakfast?

Me: We kill me.