News You Probably Can't Use

Not necessarily the news, but really, is there anything funnier than a Paula Abdul fug? Okay, a Britney fug, but Paula is a close second. (Go Fug Yourself)

Bucky Covington, also known in some circles as My Boyfriend, signs a deal with Lyric Street Records. Album comes out April 17, two days after my birthday. Totally planned. Thanks Bucky! Also, a sort-of-but-really interview with the man himself. His first single, "A Different World," will hit the country airwaves January 16th. ('American Idol' official site)

The 'American Idol' karaoke video game! 'Nuff said. (USA Today)

Ruben Studdard wants Alabama residents to quit being a bunch of fatasses. (The Birmingham News)

Review: Taylor Hicks' debut Taylor Hicks not all that and a bag of chips. Is anyone surprised? You know, besides the millions of retards who voted for him week after week? (Rocky Mountain News)

The Cure

No, I'm not talking about my all-time favorite band. I'm talking about hiccups. Specifically, those belonging to Kellie Pickler.


Says The Tennessean:

Kellie Pickler Loses Hockey Brawl

Country newcomer Kellie Pickler has discovered there's one competition more brutal than American Idol: pro hockey. After singing to Clemson and Kentucky fans at Legends on Friday, she attended her first hockey game Saturday and afterward joined Predators Jordin Tootoo and Scottie Upshall at the Tin Roof.

Told to do a handstand to cure her hiccups, she kicked up her red high heels over her head. A pretend hockey fight broke out and Kellie, 20, ended up at the bottom of the pile. The melee left a knot on her forehead that remains. At least she still has all of her teeth.

Google tells me that doing a handstand is, in fact, a cure for hiccups. But honestly, doesn't that seem like a lot of work when they'll probably just go away on their own? And I bet the conversation went like this:

Kellie: Y'all, I have hiccups!

My Hero: Do a handstand!

Kellie: All right!

My Hero (to friend): Dude, we're at a hockey game. I didn't think she'd really do it.

My Hero's Friend (shaking head): What a dumbass. Ouch! That's gotta hurt.

I go back and forth on whether or not I think Kellie Pickler is a genuine idiot, or an idiot solely for entertainment's sake. In this case, I'm going to go with the former.

Some other Idol-related news: Mandisa writing a book about food addiction. Read about it here.

Also, 13 Days! See the shiny new graphic that Curly made? It's over there -->

I Didn't Wait a Lifetime for a Moment Like This

I'm a little late to the game on the relatively new music the 'Idol' kids are putting out. Luckily, AOL Music has all sorts of tracks to listen to from Chris Daughtry and Katharine McPhee today. Here's what I think of them. Then, if you're as behind as I am, you can listen and decide for yourself.

Daughtry. I actually don't hate "Home," the first song. I do, however, think it sounds like every single power balled written between 1986 and 1992. But I was a fan of the power ballads. Hell, I even made a mix tape of them that I played Every. Single. Time. my high school boyfriend and I made out. I'm sure he loved that. The second song, which is his first single, "It's Not Over," bored me to tears. And then I had to stop listening. Chris Daughtry is pretty. I shouldn't find him so boring. I love little bald dudes. There's just, I don't know, something missing. Charisma? Personality? A chromosome? Hell if I know.

Now, onto McPhee. Now, I don't love her the way Curly does, and I don't hate her the way Mejack does. I'm more indifferent than anything else, although I think she has very pretty hair and I would kill to have her makeup person go at my face. I'm not really digging "Over It," which is the first single. It's a little… watered-down I guess is how I would describe it. I most definitely do not want to start shaking my ass at my desk at work. And that's a bad sign, because if you know me, you know I love to shake my ass at my desk at work. Ditto on "Each Other," and that's enough listening to crap for me this afternoon.

If I'm forcing myself to say something nice, I'll say this. Both of those songs could kick the ass of "A Moment Like This," and look at Kelly Clarkson now. Anything can happen.

Watch Chris Daughtry

Listen to Katharine McPhee

What do you think? Also, 14 Days!

The Final Countdown

Doot doot doot doot! Doot doot doot doot doot! Doot doot doot doot…

(Hm, no one remembers that song by the 80s hair band Europe? Well, okay then.)

We are officially back from our semi-hiatus to start the countdown to Idol madness. Can you stand the suspense?

15 Days!

Now, let's get to the news, shall we?

Jennifer Hudson, who y'all couldn't be bothered to vote for but will still happily climb on the bandwagon now, to be honored by the Oklahoma Film Critics, which is probably not that big of a deal. I mean, Oklahoma? I didn't even know they had films there. (Playbill)

Everything you always wanted to know about Simon Cowell. Oh wait, no. That was the Rolling Stone interview. This is just less of the same. (Extra)

The predictions are in: Idol 6 ratings are going to suck ass. In related news, Midol bloggers wonder why the hell it took them five years to come up with the idea to blog about the show. (Reality TV Magazine)

Breaking! Simon Cowell makes a buttload of money. I initially typed "buttloaf" there, which is funny. (United Press International)

Audition Videos Galore! See the freaks who came out for their chance to be on the show. (American Idol Official Site)

Hell Hath No Fury...

... Like Kelly Ripa scorned. Uh, by Clay Aiken.

Now there's a sentence fragment I never thought I'd type...

Update: Rosie O'Donnell is in on the act! The loquacious lesbo seems to think Ripa's cheeky reaction to Clay's antics was "homophobic."

Oh, Rosie. The last I checked, we homos were not above bitchy behavior. And guess what, sunshine? Some of us are rude with repellent manners. Granted, we pull it all off with a bit more humor and flair than some of our straight counterparts but just the same, we are not above reproach. Bad manners are not exclusive to the straight set. If nowhere else, we're at least equals in douchebaggery as well as the occasional bit of dumb-fuckitude. Deal with it.

My point, Rosie, and I do have one, is that calling us out on such things is fair, not inflammatory. Stop crying wolf, you stupid beaver. Now why don't you waddle off and go decoupage something? How's about you start with your mouth?

"Never Play [with a Guy's] Ball[s] in the House"

Clay Aiken recently spoke to "People" about them there pesky rumors that he's a big ol' mo':

"What do you say (to that question)? ... It's like when I was 8. I remember something would get broken in the house, and Mom and Dad would call me in and say, 'Did you do this?' Well, it didn't matter what I said. The only thing they would believe was yes. ... People are going to believe what they want."

Um, is it me or did he just try to dispel the rumor by using a plot from The Brady Bunch?

Oh, Clay. If you're trying to distance yourself from the gays, I don't suggest you align yourself with the likes of a man named Brady. He was, after all, busy with three boys of his own. Um, helloooo?!?!

Or, perish the thought, Alice! Don't you believe the Sam the Butcher hype! He was a porkchop-slinging beard, for fuck's sake! And look at those sensible shoes she wore day in and day out!

Now, because I'm a nice person, Clay Aiken, I've taken the liberty of compiling a list of other sitcoms you might want to avoid borrowing storylines from in the quest to clear your name:

• "Happy Days"
  Fonzie's womanizing was a classic case of overcompensation. In other words, Fonzie was a total fag.



• "Saved by the Bell"
  Elizabeth Berkeley was in "Showgirls" and Mario Lopez played Greg Louganis in a made-for-TV movie. Gay. Gay. Gay.



• "I Love Lucy"
  I don't have official confirmation on this but I think Ethel sought solace in the loving arms of Lucy more than once. Wouldn't you if you were married to Fred Mertz?



• "Cheers"
  I have some questions about the Norm/Cliff dynamic, plus there's the Frasier Crane factor.



• "The Golden Girls"
  Duh.



• "Designing Women"
  Again, duh.



• "It's a Living"
  Ann Jillian just screams "fag hag" to me. I suggest you steer clear.

This is not an exhaustive list, Clay. Naturally, I'll keep you posted if any others spring to mind. Cheers.

Photo: Matthew Rolston/"People"

No Justin, No Peace

If you're like me and haven't quite got the whole hating on Justin Guarini thing out of your system, here's your chance to heap more scorn on that mop-topped moron.

Yup, that's right! Beginning later this month, FOX will rerun the first season of our beloved pageant of cheesy pop, crap-ass ballads, camera fucking and, of course, the beginning of Paula Abdul's delicious downward spiral.

"American Idol Rewind" is the perfect catch-up opportunity for those of you who joined the "AI" love fest a little late in the game. For those of you who've been keepin' it real since day one, well, there's a little sumpin' sumpin' to keep you tuned in as well! Simon and company promise "new episodes, behind-the-scenes trivia, fascinating updates, and plenty of never-before-seen footage." Mmm... more Nikki McKibben than you shake a stick at. That's hot.

"American Idol Rewind" is syndicated so I can't tell you exactly when it will be on. You lazy bitches will just have to check your local listings. You're welcome.

Photo: FOX