Overheard on the Upper East Side

Jess and I gathered with our good friend Angelina tonight to watch the final festivities. We were all aflutter at the thought of Katharine McPhee pulling off an upset and sending Taylor Hicks and his harmonica packing. No such luck. Sigh.

But some good came out of it. Jess got to swoon over Bucky. Angelina and I continued to admire KMcPhee's rack. So it worked out.

Other impressions: We were all in agreement that Melissa McGhee got a raw deal and was voted off far too early. That girl's got a set of pipes on her!

We concurred that Lisa Tucker, despite her unfortunate eyeshadow choices, is positively gorgeous. And wee Paris Bennett? Well, she's still creepy, but most assuredly going places.

Say, speaking of creepy, we awaited the Kevin Covais "What's New Pussycat?" performance with equal parts morbid curiosity and sheer dread. We had an idea it was coming thanks to Jess's earlier scoop and our fears did not prove unfounded. That shit was frightening. ::shudder::

But Covais wasn't the night's only ear-splitting weirdo. In fact, the whole show was off-kilter. More than once, we shrieked, "What the fuck was that?" It was quite possibly the strangest two hours of television I've ever seen. And I grew up watching Krofft Superstars, folks, so that's saying a lot.

I could proceed with a blow-by-blow recap but, well, I don't feel like it. Instead, I will leave you with a few of the gems we uttered, screamed and spat during the bizarre broadcast:

"Wait, did she just say that Jesus told her to get gas? Was this before or after he took the wheel?"

"If Jesus could remind me when I'm running low on cat food, that would be awesome."

"Al Jarreau? I thought he was dead. Oh wait, no. That's Lou Rawls. Nevermind."

"Why is Al Jarreau always banging on himself?"

"That Dionne Warwick is looking a little Crypt Keeper nowadays."

"Do we blame Bobby Brown for Whitney's downfall?"
"Nope. She's from Newark."

"Ew. Whose favorite band is fucking Live?!?!"

"Dude, that's the gayest shirt I've ever seen."

"Mandisa, of all people, should NEVER sing about making dresses out of feed bags."

"Why does he have an afro underneath that hat?"

"Don't pump the Black Power fist, Taylor. That is so NOT a part of the Soul Patrol."

"Wow, Meatloaf sounds like one of the audition rejects. Where's his Golden Idol?"

"McPhee's all 'I don't want to touch your hankie, Meatloaf.' Oh but there she goes... and I now feel that she's dirty for having done it."

"Toni Braxton sounds terrible and she's wearing a nightgown, but that weave is FIERCE."

"Is it just me or does Toni Braxton sound just like that dude who did the bad Cher impersonation?"

"I think [the Mary J. Blige/Elliott Yamin duet] is my favorite part of the show. You know, either that or the two Prince twins about to make out."

"Oh my God! Is he... crying?! THE HOFF IS CRYING!"

And that's Season Five, folks. But don't go away! We'll still be here to keep you current on 'Idol' news, gossip and all that other mindless filler you've come to know and love. AND! Your illustrious "American Midol" bloggers will be hitting the L.I.E. in July to see the American Idols Live at Nassau Coliseum. Stay tuned for a madcap recap.

Photo: FOX