Digest This!

Even though the "Idol" news is rather light this week, I don't have the time or energy to gather up links like I usually do. So you guys are just going to have to deal with a half-assed summary. And you'll like it. No? Wanna fight?

Okay, so basically Taylor's been tarding his way through the talk shows while Kat's been doing her damnedest to seem gracious and act like it doesn't matter that she lost. Very nice.

Kat's mother, on the other hand? Well, let's just say that the hills of Sherman Oaks are alive with the sound of Mama McPhee screeching a rage-filled version of "Peisha's Turn" in between tugs on the old Grey Goose.

Ha ha. I love when I can work a mixed theater reference into a good "Yo mama's an alcoholic" joke.

Meanwhile, Ryan and Randy made a joint appearance on "Larry King Live" and revealed that Taylor's margin of victory was in the double digits. Ouch. No doubt Randy managed to squeeze in references to Journey, Mariah Carey and every other artist he's ever called "dawg" before the hour was up.

Fuck you, Randy.

Taylor's abominable single, "Do I Make You Proud" drops on June 13. Ew, I said, "drops." What brought that on? But anyway, you know what else drops? A deuce. To the same ill-smelling effect as Taylor's song, I might add.

Ha ha. I love when I can work a good poop reference into a "Yo American Idol's a retard" joke.

Oh! One of the items not mentioned in our finale recap was the surprise appearance of the illustrious Prince. Personally, I thought it was hilarious that he turned on his tiny wee heel and walked -- with multitudes of 'tude, mind you -- off the stage as Seacrest approached.

Oh, that Prince! He's always good for a brilliant performance and a bitchy dis. And, um, introducing the term "sugar walls" into my vocabulary.

However, that tart-tongued Englishman, Simon Cowell, didn't find the Purple One's deed nearly as funny as I did. In fact, he recently told "Extra"'s Terri Seymour that he thinks Prince is, as his fellow Brits might say, a right wanker.

Cowell also added that Clay Aiken's hair was "hideous" and that Paula Abdul should step in and choreograph the dance routines next season.

Clay's hair was most definitely a fright. I'm on board with Cowell on that point but I don't know if I agree with him about the Paula thing. Yes, she's a brilliant choreographer but giving her a task like that might actually make her -- gasp! -- focus and channel her energies into something positive. That's just not right. I'm enjoying her downward spiral so just you leave well enough alone, Cowell. I mean it. Don't fuck with the freak show.

Photo: FOX