Nostalgia*

This morning, Meg sent me an email exchange we'd had in the week we first met, shortly after she crashed my birthday party at Grassroots and I informed her she was officially my new best friend. Here are the highlights, because they're funny.

Me:
Back when I was doing the online dating thing, I came across this guy who had every hair color listed in preferences except red. So I emailed him and asked him if he had a redhead aversion. I even said, look, I don't want to date you, I'm just curious. He didn't write back.

Meg:
That guy probably couldn't believe you didn't want to date him. "But, she's a redhead. Seriously, how choosy can she afford to be? This has to be a ruse."

I'm trying to think if I have any mass exlusions from my dating pool. So far, I have come up with:

1) Fascists.

You?

Me:
2) Republicans
3) Vincent Gallo

Meg:
4) My uncles
5) The homeless. Sorry. I'm a bitch like that. Where would we go to hook up?
6) Gilbert Gottfried

Me:
Am I the only one who didn't know GG did the AFLAC duck?

7) Flava Flav

Meg:
Yes.

8) Scientologists.

Me:
He was the first celebrity I ever saw in NYC. It was my first day
interning at VH1 and I saw him in Times Square. I was hoping for like,
Johnny Depp and I got Gilbert Gottfried.

9) Gene Simmons

Meg:
Mine was Teri Hatcher, pre-desperate housewives. During her slump. She looked quite the crackhead hovering outside of Cabaret (when it was running) wearing the tiniest tightest jeans that clung to her leg bones (which were the size of my wrists) and a huge fur coat. It was July. I was underwhelmed.

10) Sarah Jessica Parker

Me:
True story. My friend [name redacted] met [name redacted: all you need to know is he's famous] in a club, and he invited her to go back to his place and play Bend Over Boyfriend with a strap-on.

I would have gone.

11) Guys who like Coldplay

Meg:
I would have gone in a HEARTBEAT. Are the rules to Bend Over Boyfriend as easy as they sound? How does he feel about redheads?

12) Guys who use the phrase "Where's that at?"

Me:
I can only assume his stance on redheads is..."They can totally fuck me up the ass with a strap-on while my wife is out of town."

13) Guys who attend Star Trek conventions

Meg:
14) Guys who use babytalk in the sack.

Me:
15) Guys who won't let me fuck them up the ass with a strap-on.

Meg:
16) Guys who want to wear diapers and pretend that I'm their mother.

Me:
17) Guys who want to pee on me, or want me to pee on them.

Meg:
18) Any man who uses the word "bro" when talking to other men.

Me:
19) Any guy who uses the word "anywho." Seriously, I dumped someone
because of that once.

Meg:
20) Guys who "don't eat sweets, really." Seriously.

Me:
Who says that?

Meg:
I just have to hold on to the hope that somewhere out there there is a guy who will let me stick a dildo up his ass, who likes cheesecake, and who loves peeing in the toilet.

Me:
Pretty tall order. Talk about unrealistic expectations.

*Of the early days of my friendship with Meg. Not of dating. Shudder.