This Post is About Menstruation

(A little warning for the guys)

So I've been taking a break from reading some blogs that upset me for various reasons. I've been on this whole confronting personal demons kick, which has been going really well, but it probably wouldn't be going as swimmingly if I was wasting energy getting upset about how Brooke Hogan is NOT fat, or how last I knew, 10 year olds weren't required to pluck their eyebrows and so maybe everyone should lay off Madonna's spawn and not give her a complex before she's even a teenager, or for God's sake TMZ, let Britney park her fucking car in peace. You know, that stuff.

I've also been taking a break from Feministing, because I was getting depressed and outraged all the time, and at least Jezebel mixes in wacky celebrity outfits with stories about violence against women. Then today, I decided to pop in and I read this post about DIY Feminine Hygiene Products.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I'm kind of a hippie. I buy raw milk on the black market, for Pete's sake. I buy energy-efficient light bulbs. I daydream about buying a self-sustaining farm somewhere lit with solar panels, growing all my own produce and grass-feeding all of my livestock. But I do draw the line at hippie period shit.

I took issue with one comment over at Feministing, and it went a little something like this:

The only people that don't want to try a cup or cloth pads, from what I've noticed, are the people who think that their bodies are yucky and shameful.

Let me just say that I love my vagina. It's rad. We're BFFs. But for someone who is challenged in the safety arena, I'm pretty sure I could not navigate taking a cup full of menstrual blood out of my vagina and rinsing it without spilling it all over myself, my cats, or those unfortunate enough to be stuck in a public bathroom with me. And on that note, am I really supposed to come out of a stall, sidle up to the woman washing her hands next to me and wash out my little blood cup? What?

Same problem with a sea sponge. I'm sure no one wants to watch me squeeze that baby out in a public place. And I am frequently in a public place. It's a convenience issue.

As far as the cloth pads go, well, I tried them once. I got a couple free at my last job and was going to write a review of them but then I got fired instead. So here's my review. It was comfy, it was fine, and then when I was done with it, I had a bloody scrap of fabric that I had no desire to wash so I threw it away, which I'm pretty sure was not it's intended purpose.

Back to the comment, though, because I'm still annoyed but don't feel like picking a fight over there when I can bitch on my own soapbox. I love the tampon. Vive le tampon! How is sticking a plastic cup in my vagina indicative of feminine pride but sticking a cotton stick in isn't? And for the record, I buy organic cotton tampons which aren't bleached and don't have an applicator. If I thought my body was yucky and shameful, wouldn't I not want to stick things in it at all?

Look, I get that some people love their periods. They find them empowering, and feel all at one with the cycles of the moon and whatnot. I am not one of those people. I get bloated. I have cramps. I get migraines. I cry a lot and pick fights with TYM. I just want to plug that shit up, pop some Excedrin, put on my pajamas and watch a chick flick while downing an entire chocolate cake. And I don't think that makes me any less of a feminist.

Oh, and one chick posted a comment about how she got all of her tampon-loving friends the Diva Cup for Christmas, and was so disappointed that no one converted. In case anyone was thinking about it, do not buy me a fucking Diva Cup for Christmas. If you do, we will no longer be friends.