Perceptions

If you know me well, then you know I'm a big spaz. I'm a high-strung, nervous worrier, basically. In fact, Zero told me once that he'd never met anyone who matched my complete and utter inability to relax. That was quite some time ago, though, and I have actually gotten somewhat better, but I still have a long way to go.

Imagine my surprise then, when Ed and Terry from my cooking class were helping me make guacamole for my housewarming party, and by "helping" I mean "doing everything while I freaked out about how much wasn't yet done for the party." I made some comment about how stressed the whole getting-ready-for-the-party-process had made me.

"You're stressed?" Ed asked. "You don't seem stressed." Terry agreed, and Ed continued. "You never seem stressed. You're like the chillest person in our class." Again, Terry agreed.

I was floored. I am always in a state of half-panic while in class. I laughed, and assured them that chill is possibly the most inaccurate description of me, ever. I stuck my head into the living and repeated what Ed and Terry had said to The Young Man, and was met with a look of disbelief, and if I remember correctly, another laugh.

Last night we did salads. Our group of three had four salads to prepare, and I thought, "No big deal, we have two hours. It's just salad. Well, when it became obvious that my wild rice salad with a citrus vinaigrette was not only going to take the entire time, but might even take longer, I started to panic.

"Oh my God," I said to Ed, who was doing two salads at once and who actually does deserve the chillest person in the class award, "I can't remember the last time I was this stressed in a class."

"I don't get it," Ed said. "Seriously. You seem totally calm."

I always say that people don't really change, ever. They just develop workarounds for bad patterns with time, and better ways to hide their flaws. So while I may never learn how to calm the fuck down, at least I'm getting better at keeping my spazzitude below the radar. Unless, you know me really well, of course. Then you're pretty much screwed.