Patterns

It seems like guys are always telling me what I deserve. I deserve someone who will give me the moon and stars and all the pepperoni pizza I could ever want. Which is nice and all, or rather, it would be if the sentence that came after it wasn't some variation on how they aren't that guy. Because they're in a transition period. Or they're not over their ex. Or the timing is off. Let me state for the record that I think the notion of timing is right up there with closure in terms of the bullshit factor.

Also high on the bullshit scale is the phrase, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now." Guys, we all read, "He's Just Not That into You." We know what that really means, which is, "I don't want a relationship with you." You'd be doing us a big favor if you'd just be honest with us. It would sting, sure, but we wouldn't waste our time and energy trying to figure out what's really going on with you, which we do, because while you can lavish us with all the compliments you can possibly think of while you're rejecting us, you're not really distracting us from the truth, which is that everything you're spouting is mostly a lie.

I didn't think I'd be so ready to just hang it up and become a crazy cat lady at 31. But then again, I didn't think I'd be so single at 31, either.