An open letter to KFC
Dear KFC:
It seems like every time I turn on the TV, I see a commercial for your New KFC Famous Bowls, freshly prepared with layers of my KFC favorites -- a generous serving of your creamy mashed potatoes, sweet kernel corn, bite size pieces of all-white-meat crispy chicken, topped with your homestyle gravy and 3-cheese blend.
Here's the thing, KFC. Your New KFC Famous Bowls sound disgusting. Horrible. And I want to try one so bad I can barely contain myself. I would equate eating one of your New KFC Famous Bowls with having sex with Tommy Lee. I wouldn't be able to say no, but I'd feel dirty, ashamed and probably a little bit nauseous afterward. Why must you do this to me, KFC? Why?
I notice that you haven't updated your nutrition guide with the New KFC Famous Bowls. I'm sure you've been pretty busy, KFC, and like you said, it's new. If I had to wager a guess, though, I'd bet your new KFC Famous Bowl is somewhere in the neighborhood of 6,000 calories. Now, I'm certainly not a girl who starves herself, or a girl who deprives herself when she craves something, but even I know when something's just too much.
I'm not even your target market for this product. Your target market is people who are fighting against healthy eating. The same people who buy that omelet sandwich monstrosity at Burger King. The same people who supersize like it's their job. People who say, "Fuck that tofu shit. I want a REAL MEAL." I like tofu. Really, I do.
I don't eat you very often, KFC. I've had you on a couple of The Roommate's birthdays, and on a drunken night or two out around Union Square. You are by no means a staple in my diet. I can feel myself being pulled by the magnetic force of your New KFC Famous Bowls, though, and I'm afraid of what will happen if I give in. I'm afraid I may like it too much. I'm afraid I may forsake all other meals and eat your New KFC Famous Bowls three times a day until I find myself grafted to my couch waiting for a crane to carry me out of my apartment.
In summary KFC, please take your New KFC Famous Bowls and shove them. Or at least post the nutritional information so I may have a real deterrent from diving into one of those bowls and eating my way out. I shake my fist at your sinister marketing.
Love,
Jess
P.S. You know what's really weird about all this, KFC? I don't even fucking LIKE chicken.
