Power Yoga

I'm not sure how I managed to keep myself in shape prior to my work hiatus. Since starting this job after six months of freelancing -- and by freelancing I mean working on my novel and cooking up a storm and running off to the Hamptons and maybe writing something once in awhile that someone would pay me for -- I can count on one hand how many times I've actually made it to the gym.

I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond the other day to buy a new plastic cover for the futon, because in addition to peeing on the one I have at home, asshole cat John Brown also likes to scratch it up, rendering it useless in protecting said futon from his angry excretions. I passed the yoga display and thought, "Maybe a yoga DVD will help keep me in shape." Clearly that whole finding a new yoga studio after mine closed down almost a year ago thing hasn't really been working out for me. I decided on the Denise Austin Fat-Blasting Yoga DVD.

First of all, this DVD kicked my ass. It was 60 sweat-inducing minutes of yoga on crystal meth. Every inch of my body is sore today. But more importantly, Denise Austin is fucking psychotic. She has crazy eyes, for starters. Big, bulgy crazy eyes. And she yells. A lot. And every stretch is her "absolute favorite stretch." She loves her stretches the way I love my Hitachi Magic Wand, if you know what I mean and I think you do. And she shouts encouragement to the viewers at home, over and over, and I swear one guy in the background was cracking up the whole time. The yell that got me the most was, "I'm so proud of you!" which she said about 6000 times. To me, people, Denise Austin was saying that to ME. And honestly, it made me feel a little guilty that I wasn't working harder.

If I ever saw her in person, I would run. I bet she makes guys punch her in her rock-hard abs like that chick who was in Keeping the Faith, the one that I always get confused with the chick from Providence, did to Ben Stiller on their date. For all her nightmare-inducing quirks, though, I'm pretty sure Denise Austin is going to whip my ass -- and most importantly, my abs -- into killer shape. Who wants the first punch?