Last will and testament

This weekend, I'm going to Florida to spend a little QT with the best friend before she runs off to Ireland. I'm not happy about this development, but there's nothing I can do about it. Six years ago, we had a layover in Paris on the way back from Malaga, Spain. Our flight to Paris was late and we almost missed our connecting flight, so we didn't have any time to work out seating arrangements and ended up in different parts of the plane.

I ended up in the middle row, sandwiched between two very large men. This was not ideal. Julie, apparently, ended up with a much better situation. Halfway through the flight, she stumbles down the aisle toward me, steadying herself on the knee of the sleeping large man beside me, and says, "Oh-my-God-Jess-I'm-so-drunk-and-I-just-totally-made-out-with-this-hot-Irish-guy-I'm-sitting-next-to."

A few months later, they moved in together. Six years later, she's with child and they want to get married and he's banned from the country for ten years for having been here illegally for the six he's been with her. So the plan is, she goes there, gets married, pops out the kid and then they hire a good immigration lawyer and get him back into the country as soon as humanly possible. I understand, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to sob like a retard when she leaves.

Anyway, that's not the reason for this post. The reason for this post is, should I get eaten by an alligator this weekend, or killed by a serial killer and fed to an alligator, there's a question of who gets all my stuff. So here goes:

Julie: All the old photographs, yearbooks and the videotape of that one party at the lake house

Mrs. F: Any and all Flamingo memorabilia, all my bad poetry and my record collection

Azee: My craft bag and all its contents and that massive amount of lime green vinyl

Curly: My Mac and my laptop. And you'll have to finish our screenplay and dedicate it to me when you sell it to Miramax

The Roommate: My Barbie sewing machine and any books, clothes, CDs and DVDs you want

Linus: All my seasons of Buffy on DVD, and my scary movie collection

Summer, Jean and My Sharona: Since you all share my size 7.5 feet, divide up all my shoes. My Sharona has requested the turquoise cowboy boots, though, and my mix CDs. Someone better take, and use, my limited edition Britney Spears Skechers rollerskates

Petey: My Bolt backpack because dude? Yours is in rough shape

Zach: The white envelope containing all the naked pictures of me

Meg: My cookbooks, my hula hoop, and the housedress I bought in Brighton Beach that I wear out sometimes

Bill: My guitar

Tanya: My jewelry

I'll probably add more later, but that's a good start. Let me know if you want anything.