Home for the holidays

Here's what passes for humor in my demented family on Christmas Day:

Conversation one:

Double A (My aunt, talking about Cousin Pinky's, her son's, recent weight loss): I saw him without his shirt on yesterday. He looks hot!

Cousin Pinky: That's disgusting, Mom. Should I call you a MILF now and then we'll be even?

Conversation two:

Mom: Your necklace is so pretty!

Double A (Taking it off): Here, have it.

Mom: I don't want to take your necklace. I was just telling you it's pretty.

Double A (Whispering): You know how I've been going to the doctor a lot lately? Well, I just found out I have six months to live. I want you to have it. You can think of me when you wear it.

Mom: …

Double A: I'm just kidding. I got it at Fashion Bug for like five bucks.

Conversation three:

Mom: I want a piece of cheesecake.

Me: So eat one.

Mom: I've already eaten too much. I'm afraid I'll throw up.

Me: Awesome. More room for cheesecake, then.