Jess and Curly on The Apprentice

Me: "Rebecca and Brian agree on their intuition that at least two people will be returning to the suite, but she shushes him once he starts to speculate on whom he thinks this will be -- the walls have toadlike, virgin, stripper, or gay ears. Oh, man. Excel is the saddest bunch ever. Rebecca keeps giving Brian these very sexy, very hilarious super-spy looks through her bangs as she's shushing, like she's Carmen Sandiego and he's about to blab where the Seavers hid the microfilm."

Me: Dude. I know Jacob's gay, but I want to like, marry him. He can fuck all the guys he wants if he marries me.

Curly: Wait, who's Jacob? The Television Without Pity recapper for The Apprentice?

Me: Yes

Me: And as for the contestants, I'd also like to marry the wee Brian. [Ed. note: Josh was my first choice, but he was fired and well, when it comes to my imagined near-future nuptials involving people on or involved with the reality television program The Apprentice, I don't marry losers.]

Curly: I approve of the relationship as long as you put the kibosh on his rapping. We'll have no more of that. Keep him away from Wyclef.

Me: The breakdancing was kind of cute though. I can take him out of my pocket at parties and say, "Dance motherfucker! Dance!"

Curly: Okay, that visual? BEST.EVER.

Me: I don't see how Randall can not win. He'd have to do something wrong and well, I don't think he will.

Curly: His nose disturbs me, but near as I can tell, it's his only flaw. And The Donald has bad hair so who is he to criticize?

Me: Word.