An open letter to Kevin Federline

Dear Kevin (Can I call you Kevin?):

We've had a long, hard road, you and me. Like an overprotective sister, if we all lived somewhere down south where incest was okay and Britney was still smokin' hot, I worried about what you were doing to my girl. I was determined to hate you and your white trash influence.

This is a hard letter to write, as I have to admit I was wrong, and I fucking hate that. After seeing the final episode of Britney & Kevin: Chaotic, I'm ready to bury the hatchet.

It pains me to admit that, while you certainly must enjoy the money and the attention, I believe that you really love my Britney. I believe this because I don't think you're smart enough to fool all of us. I believe this because, damn it, you seem to really make her happy. And seeing a man get choked up always gets me. Even if it's you, Kevin.

At first, I thought you were bringing my Britney down. After tonight's episode, I've changed my mind. You are one goofy motherfucker, and you know what? So is she. I'd rather see her with someone who appreciates her goofiness and cheesiness than someone who finds it annoying and wants to change her. You seem to embrace her for who she is, and I have to give you some credit for that. And this next part really, really pains me, but when you're clean and dressed like an actual human being? You don't look half bad.

All that said, Kevin, you don't have a free pass. I'm watching you every day in the tabloids, and I am ready to retract these statements at a moment's notice, should you fuck this up. And I still don't believe you won't.

So, Kevin, you are officially on probation. Do right by my girl, and if you don't, you will feel my wrath, expressed solely through blog posts you will never read. Let that be a warning to you. Until then, enjoy your life with Britney, and for fuck's sake, don't leave her when she's pregnant.

- Jess