Why I worship the dark lord Satan nowadays

It was Confirmation day. I was wearing a long purple flowered dress I'd borrowed from Mrs. F because all of my clothes were too Kelly Bundy for church and I didn't want to buy something I'd never wear again. Laura didn't care that she was rocking the Bundy look – black spandex dress with jewels stuck to it and knee-high boots.

They seated us in alphabetical order, which could have sucked but didn't because my last name started with Hu and Laura's was Ia. I walked up to the alter first and met the bishop there.

"I was getting so mad at you during my sermon," he said.

"Why?"

"I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. I was so distracted by your beautiful eyes."

I wrinkled up my face the way I do when I'm not sure how to process what I've just heard. I said nothing and when I was done being magically transformed into a good little Christian soldier, I returned to my seat and waited for Laura.

"Oh my God," she said, sliding into the pew next to me. We were shushed by Father Leo, who for some reason hated us. The feeling was mutual, ever since we'd gone outside for air during a class break and when we came back in, he'd scolded us for smoking outside. Only neither of us had ever smoked in our lives.

Laura and I attempted to share our stories a few more times during the service, but Father Leo wouldn't quit it with the shushing so we had to wait. The second they dismissed us we burst.

"What did he say to you?" I asked.

"He asked me if I'd ever considered becoming a model. He said I should, that I had a great body."

"Ew!"

"What did he say to you?" she asked. I told her my story.

"Ew!"

We made our way to the post-confirmation reception, where it seemed every girl in our class had something to get off her chest. We all compared notes and said "Ew!" when it was appropriate. I don't know if everyone told their families, but I told mine. They thought I was overreacting.

Last night, Mom called to tell me that the church choir director had been arrested for child molestation. I was surprised. If she's said it was the bishop? Not so much.