CVS Mike

Sean Conrad has been helping me out with the Cosmo blog a bit. I write about baffling boy behavior and then realize I have no idea why boys do the baffling things they do, so I ask him to clarify. SC is an expert on baffling boy behavior. Anyway, I asked him to help me out with a particularly freakish boy that's new on the scene, and it reminded me of CVS Mike.

I met CVS Mike my freshman year of college. I had recently broken up with Father Mike after he cheated on me Thanksgiving weekend, and was working at the CVS at the Poughkeepsie Galleria through the holidays. One day, I noticed a cute boy I hadn't yet worked with at the register across the way. Near closing, I decided to sweep the floor and swept my way over to his register.

"Hi," I said. "Are you new or have I just never worked with you before?"

He looked at me as though I had just said or done something completely vile and spat out, "I'm new." I gave him an "okay buddy, whatever" look and swept back over to my side of the store.

Always the masochist, I tried two more times to chat him up and was equally unsuccessful. So I gave up. Then one night we found ourselves in the back hallway together.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," I replied, glaring at him. Then I walked away.

"Hey!" he called after me. "Your hair looks nice today!"

I looked back over my shoulder, face wrinkled up, puzzled.

"Freak," I mumbled and punched myself out.

So of course we ended up dating. Then he went to London for a month and I got back together with Father Mike. Then I dumped Father Mike again. Then CVS Mike and I became good friends. He liked to take his penis out at inopportune times and ask me how it was, size-wise. I'd cover my face and yell, "Put it away!" Our friendship fell apart when he may or may not have had sex with my best friend Julie the night of my college graduation party. He got married in Vegas. We were supposed to get married in Vegas if we were both single when I turned 30, on the conditions that we wouldn't have to have sex or children. He used to leave notes at my apartment that said, "Recognize the handwriting?" because we were both freaks for the movie Heathers. We wrote a screenplay together, and entered it in to the Hudson Valley Film Festival. We did not win. We got in a huge fight once because he was flipping through one of my notebooks and saw, "CVS Mike told me he masturbated for like 700 days in a row" written in black marker. He thought the funniest thing in the world was me asking him if I had food in my teeth after we'd eat something and giving him a big scary grin. CVS Mike was one weird dude. I kinda miss him.