Did you get the memo?

I've been thinking a lot about pubic hair lately. Specifically, why possessing it has become a crime on par with eating babies.

I'm going to be honest with you folks, I have some. Not a lot, but it's there. I keep it neat and tidy, but I don't go to a shady back room where a scary Russian woman will rip it out at the follicle and then call me a wimp before slapping me around and telling me to toughen up. I'd rather stick a fork in my eye, frankly. And even if I did go for the wax, I wouldn't go all the way. I shaved it all off once when I was bored and I didn't like the way it looked one bit.

I don't understand when this all happened. Granted, I was kind of a dirty hippie for awhile there, but you'd think I would have at least gotten the memo.

MEMORANDUM

To: All females over the age of 17, everywhere
From: The powers that be
Subject: Pubic hair

We have decided that, effective immediately, there will be no more pubic hair. You have 10 days to remove any and all unwanted hair. Should you refuse to do so, males will no longer sleep with you. Please note that all males have received a memo to that effect.

There are a variety of ways in which you can remove said pubic hair. Obviously, our preferred method is electrolysis, as we can ensure that, after 10 to 12 visits, there will be no regrowth.

If electrolysis is not a viable economic venture, then we suggest waxing. Please be aware that this will need to be done every 6-8 weeks, so we'd prefer a recurring appointment at whatever interval will prevent you from displaying even a hint of pubic hair.

For those of you who are cheap and/or lazy, shaving is the way to go. Most of you will grow painful red bumps everywhere, which will be almost as unattractive as the hair, and anyone exposed to your nether regions will probably assume you've contracted some sort of contagious disease and even though you are hairless, they still will not sleep with you. We do not recommend this option.

We are looking into ways to alleviate a percentage of these hair-removal costs, as we consider it a health issue, and certainly one that the future of our species depends on. Good luck with the landscaping!