An open letter to Bijou Phillips

Dear Bijou Phillips:

Again, you grace my beloved Page Six. Again, I say, "Who is this Bijou Phillips character and why should I care?" Again, I IM around asking if anyone knows why you are famous. No one does. This keeps me up at night, Bijou Phillips. It really does.

A Google search tells me that you are listed on IMDB. This makes me assume you're some sort of actress. You are currently filming something called Backwater, evidently. You were in several movies I have not only never seen, but have never heard of; Havoc, The Door in the Floor, Octane, Bully, Fast Sofa and Sugar Town. Apparently, you played a Band-Aid in Almost Famous, but I can't seem to remember anyone beyond Kate Hudson, Fairuza Balk and Anna Paquin. Therefore, your performance was entirely forgettable. You could have not been in the film at all, and my life would not be altered in any way.

You've also been the voice of someone called Helena Wankstein on the Grand Theft Auto video games. I am not familiar with this character, but the name sounds very porny. Your father is John Phillips from the Mamas and the Papas. According to your IMDB bio, you rode some horses, partied, did some modeling, partied, sang some, partied, dated Sean Lennon, partied and hung out with the Hiltons.

I beg of you, Bijou Phillips, please stop acting up. You are not famous or accomplished enough to be wasting valuable Page Six space that could be put to better use reporting on Lindsay Lohan's crazy father, Vincent Gallo's psychotic rants and Britney's bun in the oven.

Love,
Jess