Lunatics, all of them

Mom is smitten with Cousin Desiree's friend Tim. So much so, that she has decided either Cousin Desiree or I must date him. ASAP. After explaining to Mom that Cousin Desiree doesn't like him that way and will never like him that way, she informed me that she would be telling Cousin Desiree to invite him to the bar on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, where I will be hanging out with my high school friends and she will be working.

Mom: I think you'll really like him. He's bald. You love bald guys.

Me: One bald guy, Mom. I dated one bald guy. I'd hardly call that a trend.

Mom: I think he's a cop, or something to do with cops.

Me: I don't want to date a cop. Then I'll have to stop smoking crack and engaging in deviant sexual activity with hookers.

Mom: He's really cute.

Me: And he lives in Schenectady.

Mom: Maybe he'll move.

Cousin Desiree is also real big on hooking me up with Tim, mainly because she thinks he likes her in more than a friendly way and wants to discourage that. Meanwhile, she is dating a 33-year old divorced Dad. I liked it better when Cousin Desiree was 10 and I was 15 and we weren't swimming in the same dating pool. It was weird enough when she started sleeping with the first boy I ever French kissed -- now I'm getting fixed up with her cast-offs.