The Independent Mustache

Heterosexual boys grow bad facial hair for one of two reasons:

1) They are single and trying to convince themselves they don't need a woman

2) They are in a relationship and trying to convince themselves that they have the freedom of a single man

I agree, facial hair is about freedom. Freedom Not to Get Laid. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't some guys that look good with facial hair. There are. Guys with ugly chins or missing lips. Guys with giant scars. Jesus. These are all fine. To the rest of you growing ironic 70's mustaches and all sorts of weird patches of things under your mouth, quit it. 5 o'clock shadow? Good. Tom Selleck? Bad. Unless you are Tom Selleck. And with all the time and money us ladies spend on hair removal, the least you could do is take five minutes to get rid of the fur sculptures. There's nothing you can do on your face that you can't do with this instead.

The ex grew a bad 70's mustache right before we broke up. I have to say, it made my decision a little bit easier. I hope all you aspiring young wildebeests out there take this to heart. The survival of humankind depends on it.