Fun facts about my mother

Until I bought her one, was convinced that water filtration systems, i.e. Brita, were "a scam"

Will not fly under any circumstances

More often than not, leaves the house and then returns to make sure she turned off the lights

Drinks White Russians

Was the neighborhood "hot mom" when I was in high school.

Is addicted to Boca Spicy Chik'n patties

Buys a new car every few years just because she gets bored of the old one.

Has a crush on the guy who works on the house, which may or may not be why she schedules endless home improvement projects. He's like Elden on Murphy Brown

Has watched Dirty Dancing about 100 times

Loves to sponge-paint walls. Nearly every wall in the house has been sponge-painted

Lives with a cat. They mostly ignore each other.

Once accidentally said hello to one of my ex-boyfriends, who is Satan. Confessed and apologized to me afterward

Begins more sentences with "After I'm dead," than I'm comfortable with. She's 48 years old and in reasonably good health.

Celebrity crushes include Ice-T, Chuck Norris, Steven Tyler, Lee Horsley, Orlando Bloom and girl-crush Mariska Hargitay