And it's true that I stole your lighter, and it's also true that I lost the map

The wine was doing wonders for my anxiety, and I needed a refill.

He was standing next to the wine table. As I passed him, he placed one hand on either said of my waist. I was wearing heels, so when I turned to face him we met each other at eye level. He leaned over and kissed me. On the cheek. My forehead wrinkled in bewilderment. I shook my head and walked back to my seat without saying anything. Aside from my artificially cheery "hi" and his cool "hey" when I arrived, it was the only contact we had at the wedding.

I had promised Julie I would call with a full report. As I recounted The Tale of Random and Inappropriate Affection to her, the following transpired:

Julie: Oh. My. God.

Karl: [in the background] What happened?

Julie: He grabbed her and kissed her on the cheek out of nowhere.

Karl: [in the background] Ah, testing the waters.

Me: What does that mean?

Julie: What does that mean?

Karl: [in the background] He wanted to see how she'd react so he could figure out if he had any chance of getting her into bed.

I can't say I agree with Karl's assessment. He had very little interest in visiting my vagina when we were an item – I can't imagine him being so gung-ho for it now. Whatever the reason, the whole incident was pretty fucking weird.

Coming soon: The Hyannis Transportion Center and the Dumbasses Who Work There, and Fun Facts About Mom.