Random smattering of Monday morning things

I had a dream last night that I was having sex with Tommy Lee in a college dorm room when my grandparents walked in on us. Grams could not stop staring in horror at his giant scary monster penis.

This spinster-in-training spent a good chunk of Saturday wedding dress shopping with the lovely Nicola. There are a lot of ugly wedding dresses out there. That didn't stop me from holding a dress up to myself and staring wistfully in the mirror for about 10 seconds, after which I became horrified and quickly put the dress back on the rack.

SpongeBob SquarePants was walking around Brighton Beach yesterday, without any apparent agenda.

After channeling Courtney Love on Saturday night, and getting the kind of drunk that's only acceptable for 21st birthdays and New Year's, I've decided to go on the wagon until further notice. I don't want to become an alcoholic, after all. Plus, I think it will be easier to lose these pesky 15 pounds if I'm not swilling wine like it's water. Jake has decided to join me in solidarity. Love that boy to bits.

I am very excited to report that a silly little piece I wrote has been accepted by McSweeney's. There will be shameless self-promotion when it's live.