A letter to the people who arrive here via search engines

Dear people who arrive here via search engines:

I am sorry.

I am sorry that you did not find any "crackheads having sex" here.

I am sorry that I, too, do not have a "crush on gynecologist." Perhaps you could have found some solace in knowing you were not the only one, if you do, in fact, have a crush on your gynecologist. I'm sorry, but mine is a freakish German robot.

I am sorry I have no pictures of "shaved fat cooches" here.

I am sorry I offer no advice on "how to talk dirty to your man." I'm very shy when it comes to the dirty talk, if you can believe it.

I am sorry I have no "peeing sounds for the blind" for you to listen to. I have none for sale, or to give away for free.

I am sorry that "I am" NOT " a creepy rapist who likes to wander around at night stalking 13 year olds." I do believe there are support groups you can attend, or prison cells you can live in.

I am sorry I do not have a "Metallica blood semen shirt" for you to purchase.

I am sorry I have no information on "Mrs. Wild" your "friend's hot mom."

I am sorry I have no "statistics" concerning the relationship between "LSD" and "eggplant." I'm assuming any relationship is purely coincidental, but then again, I'm no expert.

I am sorry I do not know if "Jonathan Antin" is really "bald," or why "Jude Law's hairline" is "receding" at such a warp speed pace.

And lastly, I apologize for having so little information regarding uterus health and uterus fetishes. You are all freaks.

Sincerely,
Jess