Things I have actually said, out loud, to the television while watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Kyan, you are beautiful.

Kyan, is there any chance you're really straight and faking it?

You can bend me over and spank me, Kyan.

I bet I could get you really drunk and convince you to do me, Kyan.

Oh Kyan, I'll snuggle with you.

I wouldn't mind getting naked and tanning with you, Kyan.

Kyan, why don't we live in an alternate universe were you want to do incredibly raunchy things to me? It's not fair.

Will you play with my hair, Kyan?

I love you, Kyan. Now and forever.

Kyan, just close your eyes and pretend I'm a boy. I don't mind.