On camera

"I'm sure Jess will do it. Just ask her."

Once upon a time, I was a television news producer. That was only one part of my job, though. The other part of my job was being an on-air extra. I did not like being an on-air extra.

I pretended to be a teenager and modeled prom dresses in the spring. I browsed The Anarchist's Cookbook online when a young man in Vermont sent a mail bomb to someone. I sat around dinner tables while Rachel Ray cooked her 30-Minute Meals (before she landed a spot on the Food Network and posed for dirty pictures in FHM). I played sisters and daughters. I let camera people do extreme close-ups of my body piercings. I nodded at Olympic judges. I was never very comfortable in front of the camera, but knew what a pain in the ass it was to find extras so I didn't complain. Until the day we shot the promo.

We had a recurring segment called Neil and Doug's Excellent Adventures, where our weather guy (Neil) and our sports guy (Doug) tried to do athletic things. Since they were not very athletic guys, they made asses of themselves and each other. It was actually pretty funny, and certainly fun to work on.

We did a fishing episode for one, and shot a silly promo for it. The promo went like this. Doug and Neil are out on the dock, getting ready to go fishing. Silly banter. Doug leans over the dock and sticks his hand in the water to see if it's cold. Then I walk up and say to Doug, "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?" and Doug, overcome by a hot young thang in a skirt and boots, falls in the water. While shooting, I said that line no less than 38 times. Finally, we wrapped and turned everything over to the editor.

Later that night, a hush falls over the newsroom. "Quiet! Doug and Neil promo!" The promo goes exactly as I expected, until I hear my line.

Um, is that Diane's voice? Diane being one of the reporters. Bruce, did you seriously put Diane's voice over my body? Bruce and Diane look sheepish, and then Bruce makes a startling admission.

Jess, I'm sorry, but you have an awful voice for television. You kinda sound like a stoned 12-year old boy.

There you have it folks. I can stand there and look pretty, but I'm not allowed to talk.