You should never name your child…

Apple, for one. Shame on you, Gwyneth! I'm starting to think there should be a list of acceptable names for babies. Flexible, of course. If someone comes up with something passable, the list could be added to. I just don't think one should be allowed to run around naming children things like Boston Baked Beans and Terminator 3. It's just not right. One of the Heathers routinely thinks up the most fucked-up names imaginable for her future children, because she thinks it's funny. That's not as bad as a person who names a child Glitter Mahatma D'Onofrio and takes it seriously.

The roommate sent me this list of very wrong names for children. My personal favorites?

Jennyfivetina

D'Loaf

Yodawn

Chlorine

Slayer

Zestpoole

VulvaMae

I hereby announce that, should I ever bear a child (the biggest IF ever, more like an "as if"), it will be named Treasure Cocaine. Yes, that's really on the list.