On Cinemax After Dark

So I watch a lot of Cinemax After Dark, when I can't sleep. I watch it on In Demand, so I can choose which 28-minute sex-fest I'd like to watch. Sometimes, I fast-forward to the sex. Sometimes, I fast-forward to the dialogue. Depends on what I'm in the mood for. Sometimes I go all the way to the end and then rewind, so I can see everything the movie has to offer me before I decide. Sometimes I'm looking for lesbian sex, sometimes hetero sex. Like I said, it depends. And I don't sleep, so I have a lot of After Dark time on my hands, you see.

Lately, I've been really into identifying patterns. Because, you know, there is a formula for these movies. Whether it's Erotic Confessions 4 or The Best Sex Ever 6, they all adhere to some basic rules.

1. There is no boy-on-boy action. Ever.

2. There is no full-frontal male nudity.

3. There is, however, full frontal female nudity.

4. Male/female sex acts will be performed in the following order: cunnilingus, woman-on-top, doggie-style, man-on-top.

5. Any touching of the clitoris with hands and/or fingers will happen underneath the panties, and will only be performed by the person who owns said clitoris.

6. Girl-on-girl sex does NOT mean that either participants are strictly lesbian.

7. Girl-on-girl action consists of oral sex ONLY.

8. Unless it's a threesome. All threesomes consist of one boy and two girls. Any girl-on-girl action within the context of the threesome will consist of kissing and touching breasts only. All threesomes end with the man engaging in intercourse with one of the women while the other watches and masturbates.

I don't always watch Cinemax After Dark when it's late at night and I can't sleep. Sometimes I watch CNN.