Talk dirty to me

For the record, yes, I realize I'm a one-trick pony with all the sex talk as of late. I can't help it -- I have sex on the brain. Anyway, someone got here by searching for talking dirty in bed and it got me thinking.

I've never been good at the dirty talk, and I've tried. I have made no less than three phone sex attempts in my lifetime, and all have ended in my hysterical laughter and humble apologies. You'd think I could pull off the dirty sex talk, what with the truck driver mouth I have, but no.

I briefly dated a guy who was all about the dirty talk. When we would talk about sex, he'd ask if maybe I could say something naughty next time around. I'd nervously agree, and then completely forget about it once we got naked. He'd offer up a gentle reminder in the moment, and I'd panic -- wracking my brain, trying to think of something dirty, trying to remember what all the hookers on that HBO documentary about Hunt's Point said to the guys in the cars -- then suddenly he'd be looking at me like why did you stop and I'd have to apologize for getting distracted, and I still wouldn't have any good material.

Maybe the problem is that the guys I usually date get horrified when I say words like cock and pussy in every day conversation -- I certainly don't want to freak them out in bed.