Mystery Lifetime Theater 2004

The roommate and I have a shared fantasy that we revisit every Sunday while we chain smoke and watch made-for-TV movies.

We want someone to pay us lots of money to be the peanut gallery for Mystery Science Theater, but for Lifetime movies. We're not entirely sure who would watch it, but there has to be a market somewhere. When a grieving family is holding a press conference for their missing daughter and they say, "Our daughter..." and one of us chimes in, "is a dirty, dirty whore" then we think we might be on to something. The only problem is the attention we pay to commercials -- sponsors would not like us.

We saw a Vagisil commercial on Sunday, where they talked about how this cream would cure your "burning itch" and "odor." We were baffled by this, and much hilarity ensued, because if either of us were burning and itching and stanking, we agree we'd haul our cooches to the gyno pronto, rather than just saying, "Oh, I'm sure it's nothing a little Vagisil won't take care of." One sponsor lost, right there. Right after our friends at Valtrex (herpes rules!) pull their Lifetime contract.