On nicknames

The roommate just informed me that the girl she despises at work, who is a Jehovah's Witness (not why she despises her), has been nicknamed J.Ho.

This got me thinking about nicknames throughout the years. The boys my friends and I hooked up with in college -- Dirty John, London Boy, Eddie Vetter and The Noid. The ones we wanted to -- Dreads Mike, Ed-I-Love-You-Ed and Johnny Angel. And the ones that just hung around and never hooked up with anyone -- Doogie Howser, Cool Like This and CVS Mike. And then I remembered The Doogel, my arch-nemesis.

There is no doubt in my mind that, at one point, I wronged The Doogel in some very major way. Otherwise, there can be no explanation for her desire to pursue every single boy I so much as winked at (Okay, I don't ever wink. Ever. But you know what I mean.) And the numbers are far too staggering to be a coincidence. And I was far too drunk to adhere to any type that we may have shared.

The extraordinary thing about The Doogel is the frequency in which she would make out with guys in bars. Seriously. The second you turned around, there she was, tongue down some guy's throat. And so we dubbed public making out "Doogeling." And it stuck. After she stole Irish, an adorable frat boy away from me, I took great pleasure in telling him, "The Doogel's been Doogeling again" when he arrived at the bar, and nodding in the direction of whatever boy she was hanging all over. That relationship didn't last long. Because she was evil.

One night, the girls and I were hanging around drinking wine when Kyle, who I was seeing at the time, came over and proudly informed me that The Doogel had just tried to jump him at a party. I jumped up, said "That's it!" and embarked on a drunken journey to find her and kill her. Granted, I can't fight my way out of a paper bag when I'm sober, but she's a tiny little thing. I didn't find her, much to my chagrin, and had to return home to pass out without kicking her all-up-in-my-shit ass.

She also approached Nazareth (not a nickname, his God given) Love of my Life and mistakenly thinking there was romance in the air, Nick (a roommate's boyfriend). She took up with Naked Pictures Ex right after we broke up. Finally, she infiltrated my group of guy friends and started dating one of my own. It was all very disturbing and rage-inducing.

Finally, at the end of senior year, I got my reward. The Doogel took home the "Came in Hot, Left Not" title at The River Awards. Homer, standing next to me in that quiet way of his, one eye nearly shut, took a long drag of his cigarette, nodded in my direction and said, "Finally Jess, A little bit of justice for ya."