A letter to the Englishmen in New York

Dear Englishmen in New York,

I'm a self-professed anglophile. I love your accents, your pale skin and your teeny-tiny butts. I really do. You don't have to work terribly hard to get into my pants. That said, you have to at least try a little when responding to my profile on Nerve.

I'm not trolling the Nerve Personals anymore, but I'll check back in if I get an email saying someone responded, just in case it's my soul mate or something. I get funny messages, interesting messages and sometimes, totally crazy messages. From you, I get very dull messages. I don't think you're dull, I just think you're lazy.

You're a hot commodity in this city. We love the British boys. But please, come up with a tagline for your profile other than Englishman in New York. And if you can't change the tagline, at least don't use a variation of it in the subject line of the message you send me. I get it, you're British. I'm already sold on that point. Now give me some of the funny. You'll need the funny to get into my knickers. Also, would it kill you to maybe mention something you saw in my profile? A common interest, perhaps? I spent a lot of time making myself sound infinitely more smart, interesting and funny that I actually am. A little validation, please.

That's about all I have to say, Englishman in New York. I hope you'll take my suggestions into account, and I hope there will be no hard feelings when I don't respond to your dull, dull message. And good luck getting the women of New York to sleep with you!

Best,
Jess