The story of Gummy

Julie, best friend extraordinaire and Karl, her Irish boyfriend, have decided it's time to hook me up with a hot Irish boy or two. See, Karl's friend are always coming and going from Ireland -- sometimes they stay a week, sometimes they stay a year. I'm a little skeptical about meeting any more of Karl's friends, and here's why.

I think it was three summers ago. Karl friend Gummy had come to the states, and was looking to find himself a nice American girl. So we all went out one night. Sure, he was cute -- tall and skinny, which is just the way I like 'em. But it just wasn't clicking -- for either of us. I think Julie and Karl might have tried once or twice to get us together after that and then gave up completely.

A month or so later, Julie and I had our annual house on the lake party right outside of Saratoga. I was eagerly anticipating the arrival of Zach, who I'd had a four-year crush on and for the first time in as much time, we were both single. I had very big plans for Zach. Unfortunately, he never showed up.

This presented a problem. I had been all set to hook up, and now it wasn't going to happen. I scanned the party -- Hmm, who can I hook up with? Just then, Gummy came over and asked if I wanted to do a shot. I thought, could I hook up with Gummy? I decided I'd do a shot or four and then decide.

Two hours later. I'd just flashed my boobs for the camera, and Gummy and I were sitting on one of the beds in the downstairs bedroom. He picked up my guitar and started playing "Wonderwall" by Oasis. And singing.

First of all, I hate Oasis. With a passion. Like, their mere existence makes me furious. Second of all, is this foreplay? I figured I'd just suffer through it -- nod and smile. Then he broke a guitar string. Before I had the chance to get all bajiggity, he literally jumped on me, knocked me over, and then started kissing me. It wasn't terrible. Well, not until he leaned over and whispered softly into my ear…

I want to lick your ass.

I jumped up and said, "Okay, dude. First of all, NO! Second of all, you kind of have to work up to that. It can't be your opener, for fuck's sake!" (I always like to say for fuck's sake when I'm around the Irish boys)

Then it was getting into the wee hours of the morning, and everyone was settling into bed. Since Julie and I threw the party, we always insisted on having the two upstairs bedrooms. There was literally nowhere else for Gummy to sleep, so after much deliberation, I said he could sleep with me. SLEEP with me. Nothing else.

This is what Julie heard from the next room for the next hour or so, while Gummy attempted to win me over by opening up a big old can of weird all over me.

Ow!

What the fuck are you doing?

No you are NOT!

Quit it!

Stop touching me

Ow!

Look, you can either quit it or you can go sleep on the floor and get eaten by mosquitos.

Okay, all that was bad enough. But the next morning, Gummy wanted to cuddle.

A week later, I was hanging out with Julie and Karl, and thankfully, not the crazy Irish asslicker. Karl says…

So what happened with you and Gummy? He said you're a big freak.