On getting older

I was late for work today because I found a grey hair in my right eyebrow, couldn't find my tweezers and refused to leave the house until I did.

Some things I learned at my 10-year high school reunion

• People change a LOT in 10 years.
• Guys put on weight earlier in life than girls.
• If I can't walk in heels when I'm sober, I really can't walk in heels when I'm drunk.
• "hors d'oeuvres served" means "eat dinner before you go, otherwise you will get sloppy drunk."
• No one notices the 10 pounds you've put on since high school if you show enough cleavage.
• It's not really a "shortcut" if you have to walk through a pond.
• Assholes sometimes get better with age.
• You really can ease the trauma and bitterness of high school by sitting in a room with all the people who made your life miserable for a couple of hours.