The Make Jess Hold the Baby Game and Why it's No Fun

I've never been a fan of babies. In fact, I loathe them. I am repulsed by them. The baby smell that everyone goes gaga over makes me want to hurl. I don't even want to see a child until it's about four years old. This includes my own, should I ever decide to have one. (Note to the future father of my children: I will make those four years up to you. I promise) My lack of love for babies has never really been a problem, because I haven't had many occasions to be around them. Until, of course, Amy went and had a baby.

Friday night, at the bachelorette party at Foxwoods which Amy could not attend, the bride-to-be made a point of telling everyone about my baby-love deficiency. The next day, at the shower, the bridal party started playing the Make Jess Hold the Baby game. I was not amused.

I finally succumbed when Amy looked longingly at the food table, baby in her arms. I rolled my eyes, said "give me the damn baby" and sent her to the food. She, of course, made several stops along the way to say, "Jess is holding the baby!" The bridesmaids crowded around to poke fun and compare me to an awkward dad. Little Dominic screamed. I quickly handed him off to Cindy, terrified.

Girls, I know you want me to love your babies. But I don't, and I never will. Your baby is not going to turn me around with his cuteness. More likely, he'll spit up on me, or scream in my arms, or steal the rice from my plate of food. Much like an unruly boyfriend, I cannot be changed. If it's any consolation, I probably won't even like mine.

In other news, I won 80 dollars playing Video Poker. Yee haw!