You can't throw a mattress in a washing machine

Dear John Brown,

I'm seriously rethinking this cat thing. You know, this whole being a "cat person". Talking to stray cats, squealing in delight whenever a friend buys a kitten. All of it. And quite frankly, it's your fault.

It's not that I don't love you. I do. And it's not that I don't think you're cute. You are, in fact, quite fetching. And rather loveable. And it's not even the way you open the refrigerator door with your strong cat arms and eat all of the meat you can gobble down before being discovered. It boils down to one major issue - the urinating on the furniture.

It started out as an occasional release on the futon. We bought a plastic cover. Then criminal mastermind Mulder taught you how to wiggle your body between the plastic cover and make your own little pee fort. I responded by tucking the cover in too tightly for your wiggle. You in turn scratched the plastic cover, allowing your urine to soak through. I medicated you. You soiled my bed. Twice.

It pains me to say this, J.B., but if this behavior continues, I might have to find you a home where you're the only kitty. Or where the furniture is made out of something waterproof.

Sincerely,
Mom