Everything I know about serial killers, I learned from watching Lifetime

Sundays mean Lifetime Original Movies. Don't scoff, not only are they entertaining - they are educational, too. For instance, last night we watched "To Serve and Protect", a four-hour saga about a family of cops trying to catch a master-of-disguise serial killer in Dallas (shut up - it could happen). Anyway, the serial killer had some very interesting characteristics that I believe should be noted:

1. He drank milk. By the glass. No, really.
2. When he wasn't in disguise, he wore silk pajamas. Nothing but.
3. He was an abstract painter.
4. He had a pet fox. Stuffed.
5. And a shaved head.

Now, each of these things individually might constitute a random quirk. We all have them. But do you really want to risk it?

Watch your neighbors closely. If they exhibit one or more of the above characteristic, your life may be in danger. I'm just looking out for ya.